So I am still having a food crisis struggle and the main thing is that I am still deeply craving a burger and fries from a fast food locale. I call this a crisis because I decided to honor the craving on Friday and I got a burger (bunless) and fries (wedges made from real potatoes) at a restaurant. I say I honored it but I didn't really consciously think about what I was doing until after we had decided to eat - but that's neither here nor there. The point is that I had WHAT I was craving and yet my mind/body still thinks I want it. That wasn't the end of it either - I had a not so great food weekend. I ate cheese (so good, but so bad for my body) and I had some donuts (sugar, check. Dairy, check. Wheat, check). I think I was able to balance those choices out in the long run, but I still had a few moments where I could see that doing what I did was giving into my food troubles.
Couple that with the fact that Logician looked at me several times this weekend and exclaimed: "Wow you really do struggle with food." And you have a recipe for an ongoing food struggle. Apparently, although we've been together over eight years, he only just now is grasping how hard I fight with what I put into my face. Which means that perhaps I am really good at hiding my struggle.
Or at least I have become better at it. There was a time when I would convince Logician to get fast food almost all the time. My laziness coupled with my absolute addiction to cheese burgers was not doing us any favors for the first several years we were together. When he called me out on it I thought I got better... I realize now I just stopped including him. I started getting fast food when I was alone, using all manner of "I'm so busy" excuses to provide me the license to do so.
And the worst part is I never really told him about it. Now that I look hard at the behaviors I had I was hiding it, actively hiding it too. I would make sure I threw out the trash either while I was out or upstairs/somewhere he might not realize it. And I wouldn't really talk about what I had eaten during the day.
What gives?
I'm not really sure. Guilt? Shame? The emotional vulnerability?
Maybe.
But more likely it was a combination of that and the fact that to me, on the outside, it didn't seem wrong. I was just eating food that I could grab quickly and cheaply. I didn't consider that I was soothing stress on a day where my schedule shifted and I was running behind or that I was stressed about life and trying to soothe those emotions. I was just busy and needed quick food. I have noticed, in others and now in myself, that it is incredibly easy to make excuses about why you CAN'T eat the things you SHOULD and why you CAN eat the things you SHOULDN'T.
So what I tried to do was be gentle with myself. Okay, I had some cheese so I'll make sure I cut back on something else (in this case it worked one night and not the other). Or I had donuts so I skipped other dairy filled options throughout the rest of my day. And I got my butt out of bed this morning and went to the gym.
And that's one of the best things I could have done! Because not only did I feel excited about being at the gym, but it got me outside early enough to see that Orion (the constellation) is back in the sky here in Florida. Which means my favorite seasons of fall and winter are coming. And that always gets me pumped up.
I'm still fighting the craving. I want pizza or a burger or chicken nuggets or some other fast food nonsense that my body will hate. So instead I made myself some ramen (that sounds bad I know, but I threw away the flavor packet, added mushrooms, parsley, cilantro, green onion, and garlic to bone broth and my own seasonings) and I'm going to make rice for dinner (rice is like my new number one comfort food). Not the best solutions but better than going to get that whopper and coke...
Be well!
Couple that with the fact that Logician looked at me several times this weekend and exclaimed: "Wow you really do struggle with food." And you have a recipe for an ongoing food struggle. Apparently, although we've been together over eight years, he only just now is grasping how hard I fight with what I put into my face. Which means that perhaps I am really good at hiding my struggle.
Or at least I have become better at it. There was a time when I would convince Logician to get fast food almost all the time. My laziness coupled with my absolute addiction to cheese burgers was not doing us any favors for the first several years we were together. When he called me out on it I thought I got better... I realize now I just stopped including him. I started getting fast food when I was alone, using all manner of "I'm so busy" excuses to provide me the license to do so.
And the worst part is I never really told him about it. Now that I look hard at the behaviors I had I was hiding it, actively hiding it too. I would make sure I threw out the trash either while I was out or upstairs/somewhere he might not realize it. And I wouldn't really talk about what I had eaten during the day.
What gives?
I'm not really sure. Guilt? Shame? The emotional vulnerability?
Maybe.
But more likely it was a combination of that and the fact that to me, on the outside, it didn't seem wrong. I was just eating food that I could grab quickly and cheaply. I didn't consider that I was soothing stress on a day where my schedule shifted and I was running behind or that I was stressed about life and trying to soothe those emotions. I was just busy and needed quick food. I have noticed, in others and now in myself, that it is incredibly easy to make excuses about why you CAN'T eat the things you SHOULD and why you CAN eat the things you SHOULDN'T.
So what I tried to do was be gentle with myself. Okay, I had some cheese so I'll make sure I cut back on something else (in this case it worked one night and not the other). Or I had donuts so I skipped other dairy filled options throughout the rest of my day. And I got my butt out of bed this morning and went to the gym.
And that's one of the best things I could have done! Because not only did I feel excited about being at the gym, but it got me outside early enough to see that Orion (the constellation) is back in the sky here in Florida. Which means my favorite seasons of fall and winter are coming. And that always gets me pumped up.
I'm still fighting the craving. I want pizza or a burger or chicken nuggets or some other fast food nonsense that my body will hate. So instead I made myself some ramen (that sounds bad I know, but I threw away the flavor packet, added mushrooms, parsley, cilantro, green onion, and garlic to bone broth and my own seasonings) and I'm going to make rice for dinner (rice is like my new number one comfort food). Not the best solutions but better than going to get that whopper and coke...
Be well!
No comments:
Post a Comment