And Then....

So I am still having a food crisis struggle and the main thing is that I am still deeply craving a burger and fries from a fast food locale. I call this a crisis because I decided to honor the craving on Friday and I got a burger (bunless) and fries (wedges made from real potatoes) at a restaurant. I say I honored it but I didn't really consciously think about what I was doing until after we had decided to eat - but that's neither here nor there. The point is that I had WHAT I was craving and yet my mind/body still thinks I want it. That wasn't the end of it either - I had a not so great food weekend. I ate cheese (so good, but so bad for my body) and I had some donuts (sugar, check. Dairy, check. Wheat, check). I think I was able to balance those choices out in the long run, but I still had a few moments where I could see that doing what I did was giving into my food troubles.

Couple that with the fact that Logician looked at me several times this weekend and exclaimed: "Wow you really do struggle with food." And you have a recipe for an ongoing food struggle. Apparently, although we've been together over eight years, he only just now is grasping how hard I fight with what I put into my face. Which means that perhaps I am really good at hiding my struggle.

Or at least I have become better at it. There was a time when I would convince Logician to get fast food almost all the time. My laziness coupled with my absolute addiction to cheese burgers was not doing us any favors for the first several years we were together. When he called me out on it I thought I got better... I realize now I just stopped including him. I started getting fast food when I was alone, using all manner of "I'm so busy" excuses to provide me the license to do so.

And the worst part is I never really told him about it. Now that I look hard at the behaviors I had I was hiding it, actively hiding it too. I would make sure I threw out the trash either while I was out or upstairs/somewhere he might not realize it. And I wouldn't really talk about what I had eaten during the day.

What gives?

I'm not really sure. Guilt? Shame? The emotional vulnerability?

Maybe.

But more likely it was a combination of that and the fact that to me, on the outside, it didn't seem wrong. I was just eating food that I could grab quickly and cheaply. I didn't consider that I was soothing stress on a day where my schedule shifted and I was running behind or that I was stressed about life and trying to soothe those emotions. I was just busy and needed quick food. I have noticed, in others and now in myself, that it is incredibly easy to make excuses about why you CAN'T eat the things you SHOULD and why you CAN eat the things you SHOULDN'T.

So what I tried to do was be gentle with myself. Okay, I had some cheese so I'll make sure I cut back on something else (in this case it worked one night and not the other). Or I had donuts so I skipped other dairy filled options throughout the rest of my day. And I got my butt out of bed this morning and went to the gym.

And that's one of the best things I could have done! Because not only did I feel excited about being at the gym, but it got me outside early enough to see that Orion (the constellation) is back in the sky here in Florida. Which means my favorite seasons of fall and winter are coming. And that always gets me pumped up.

I'm still fighting the craving. I want pizza or a burger or chicken nuggets or some other fast food nonsense that my body will hate. So instead I made myself some ramen (that sounds bad I know, but I threw away the flavor packet, added mushrooms, parsley, cilantro, green onion, and garlic to bone broth and my own seasonings) and I'm going to make rice for dinner (rice is like my new number one comfort food). Not the best solutions but better than going to get that whopper and coke...

Be well!

Struggling with Food

Hello readers! I apologize that I once again disappeared, however that does seem to be sadly the way that things go. I am going to be changing the direction of this blog a little bit, and in a way that's absolutely terrifying to me to say. Why?

Because I have decided to use this as a vehicle to fight one of my biggest battles in trying to become a healthier adult - food. To me using this blog as a vehicle in this struggle is terrifying because it means being vulnerable. It means being open about how much I struggle with what I put in my mouth and the reasons why I put it there. I have a huge issue with food and I'm tired of feeling alone when I struggle. I know other people struggle like I do, and so I'm going to turn to the internet (trolls and all) and see what happens.

I constantly struggle with food. Every time I eat it's a battle and sometimes the battle happens when I'm not hungry. Because I eat for celebration, I eat for grieving, I eat for social contact, and I eat when I'm bored. I stress eat, I emotionally eat, and I unconsciously eat. Even after making conscious decisions about WHAT I eat I find I will unconsciously eat TOO much.

So here you have it - I struggle with food and now I'm going to try to work out why, how to change it, and how to stop the struggle.

Food has always been a huge part of my life, I could reason that it's because family and friend gatherings often focused around dinner or some other food occasion (i.e. birthdays, holidays, funerals, etc), but I don't think figuring out exactly when the shift came from food to bad food happened is going to really help matters. Maybe I'll figure it out anyway, who knows. What I do know is that around the time I was more capable and more in charge of what I put in my body to fuel it my choices went all screwy and I began to choose fat, salt, and grease over health and well-being.

Part of this I know is due to money, let's face it the majority of people in America today are struggling financially. I saw a report just this morning that said most people are paying over 30% of their paychecks just to have a roof over their head! Add in taxes and then you've got quite a big chunk of money disappearing from the budget. Part is also that for a good part of the last fifteen years I have had complete control over what I buy and no knowledge of nutrition. I bought food in college based on what I felt like eating in that moment, not based on whether or not it was healthy. I ate to soothe my depression which meant eating Wendy's even though the Dining Halls had amazingly healthy options and I had a meal plan. Or eating McDonald's because it was fast and cheap and I was too busy to stop and eat something from home.

Or whatever excuse I felt like making for that moment.

That's right - an excuse. I can say this because I know for a fact that's what it is. I'm too busy was constantly a mantra I used to license myself to eat fast food. To give myself permission for the 10 seconds of joy that comes from salty french fries, fountain coke, and a greasy burger. I need the calories and can worry about nutrition later - this was a newer one I started using before I told myself to grow up and be serious. Thankfully I caught myself before it became a habit.

And so right now I am struggling with food. I'm struggling with an internal battle of go get Wendy's because I'm depressed about my career and financial situation and my body thinks the brief euphoria of the fat, sugar, and salt will somehow overcome the fact that nothing will have changed in the 10 minutes it will take me to consume more calories than I need in a day.

I don't know what the allure is of that 10 minute pick me up, especially when I know that the next moment I will feel bloated and sick. I'll begin to feel guilty almost at the same time the chemicals explode in my brain as I take the first bite of the burger or chicken sandwich. I'll remember the inhumane conditions the food was raised in, the workers toil in, and the process happens in that made the food like substances in my hands and then I'll feel more shame and guilt for buying into that system...

So why?

And today... I just don't know why....

I'm not going to give in today. I've bargained with myself - I'll buy myself a smoothie instead (from a decent place that uses actual fruits and veggies to make said smoothie), but I'm still not happy with the answer...

Maybe if I keep writing these, I'll find a better one.

Be well.

--- Edited ---

I ran away from the computer after I posted this so that I could get ready for work and go get said smoothie. As I looked at the clock I realized I was over an hour earlier than I wanted to leave. Yea... Being open about food doesn't feel so open right about now.

So I came back to think more on this struggle that is causing me to feel on the edge of an anxiety attack right now. The struggle between loving my body and shoving my emotions away. Between eating something I know provides my body health and nutrition and something that gives me ten minutes of peace from a swirling multitude of emotion I don't want to look at. It doesn't help that there are triggers and signs EVERYWHERE around me. A simple drive down the street can be a challenge when you struggle with food. Fast food restaurants are everywhere, people are always posting about food online, or where they're going to dinner, or some party/event they went to with some snazzy food center piece.

Right now I am reading two books, the first is called What the Fork are you Eating? and the other is called The Omnivore's Dilemma. I was inspired to get back into reading/watching/learning about food when I finally sat down and watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead 2. Something I had put off for a long time for a really stupid reason.

You see when we watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead two years ago, it struck a cord in me. It reminded me how far away from the natural world I had gotten and how much I missed it. But it also brought me to a crossroads in my life. I started making changes, did three juice fasts, and then suddenly I got sick! I was so angry! How could it be that I start to try to make changes and then I get sick? Why bother if eating healthy was going to make me sick anyway? (can you see how the cycle is going?)

In reality I blamed outside forces (the shame/blame game) for something I was not wanting to admit to myself - while I was making healthier choices SOME of the time, I was really not changing much the rest of the time. I still grabbed fast food when I was time crunched/stressed/upset/happy/etc. The only difference was I didn't get a double whopper with cheese, I got a whopper with no cheese. I still got a large fry and a large sprite, but I didn't get a coke or onion ring. Yea - not really healthy is it? As it was my gall attack that led to my surgery was brought on by having a super chicken supreme stuffed crust pizza AKA all of the things that my body couldn't do anything with - dairy, gluten, and oil.

I let this blame argument continue on for a long time. I would hit periods where I would start to make healthier choices again, but the life would happen and I'd run right back to my fast food. Even going so far as looking up "healthy" fast food choices. That was when I finally realized I wasn't doing myself any favors. It's been a slow journey over the last several months to turn my attention back to myself and to shoulder the blame for the situation I'm in. I'm very grateful to have Logician's support in going to the gym and trying to make dietary changes. I'm also lucky he doesn't mind when I go through food doc binge watches and reading splurges like I am now.

But the first thing I have to do, that I'm struggling to do right now, is to accept that I am the one in control of this and I am the one who can change it. No one else can... So that's the real reason I'm here. If I write it here, I have to own it. If I own it I have to accept it. And if I accept it then I have to change it.

Thanks for listening.